WYOO on how others parent?

Do you agree with the way your friends parent their children? Do you try and 'convert' them to the way you do things? What do you do if you don't agree with the way they have chosen to e.g. discipline?

I have learnt a few things watching how my friends discipline and interact with their kids, mostly very positive.

My stepsister however is a different issue as she shouts, hits and is generally awful to her kids and i have to bite my tongue every time i visit - which isn't often at all...in fact the last time i went she hit her 2 1/2 year old so hard he had a mark on his leg and i advised if I saw her do it again I would report her ....made things a bit awkward but I was sick of seeing her constantly treat her kids like shit....and a bother

As a rule though I would NEVER intervene or even comment as parents know their own kids, what works with one child may not with another? I am terrible though with things like bedtime stories, nature trails etc and trying to stress how great they are....bedtime stories i could be a fanatic as I so believe that a simple act of reading a few stories to your child at night has so many benefits...

I don't have a single friend who has children, and the only small child in my life is my niece, who we only see every couple of months, and I never see her in her home setting, and rarely see her with both parents, but they must be doing a pretty amazing job, as she's ridiculously well behaved, funny, smart, and all-round wonderful (haha, can you tell I dote on her?)

My sister has two young girls as well, although she lives in Australia so I never see them, but our parenting styles are very very similar. It's mainly a result of being very similar people, because we certainly didn't have a similar upbringing.

The only people who's parenting style I ever really see is my in-laws, and it is very very very different to anything I would ever do with my own children. I have not and would not ever criticize how they raise their kids to their face, but I will be making it very clear that my parenting is my parenting, and criticism of my parenting is not appreciated. They are already pretty critical, but they'd better get it out of their system before she arrives. I have never said a word about how the parent, even when it has shocked me, because who am I to tell them how to raise their children? But the same principle applies to me. Do not tell me how to raise mine.

As a general rule I wouldn't intervene or make a comment on anyone's parenting style unless it completely went against everything i believed in (I'm thinking extremes here like abuse). Each child is different and there are lots of ways to do things and I am far from so perfect that I can make any judgement on anyone else. I figure that my own children's world consume so much of my thoughts and time I have none left to point the finger outside of our family

For the most part those friends who have kids I learn things from. I don't have that many with young children.
Equally though I am probably a bit stubborn about certain aspects of how my children are brought up so i suppose i am more critical if people go against that. It's a family joke that I am anal about what they eat in terms of what's inside it...or the soaps and toothpastes that are used as well as lots of other parts of their upbringing such as how they are spoken to on a daily basis. People are welcome to opinions and I do listen and if what they say makes good sense I am happy to learn and change what i do - and if it doesn't i reserve the right to ignore
Thankfully i have a wonderful mum who works with special needs and is a minefield of help on dealing with behaviours and supports our style of parenting and will be honest if she thinks we've lost the plot (usually with good cause lol)

I do think that if i ever saw anything I was really genuinely concerned about wrt parenting and a child's safety i would do something about it - whatever that meant. I don't believe that if you see something it is none of your business. I think common sense needs to be applied but in some cases a busybody is required

But no, as a general rule i may well think to myself that I disagree with a parenting style but I would keep that thought to myself.

Well Kitty is still far too little for me to claim to be an expert on anything and in any case only one of my friends has a baby and from what i've seen she's a great mum. In general I think it's none of my business really, obviously if i observed child abuse or serious neglect i would do something but beyond that I try and mind my own business.

I only offer advice if it's asked for and if I don't know, then I don't say. Parenting, in my opinion, is dictated by the child concerned and what works for my babies is not necessarily going to work for someone else. What gives me the right to think the way I do it is any more 'correct' than anyone else?

When I reply to other people's questions on BC, it's usually in the form of stories about my babies. This isn't because I'm desperately insular and selfish and only my children matter, but because they are my experience, they are how my parenting style has formed. It is only by my experience with them that lets me even contemplate offering advice to anyone.

Which always makes me wonder about hvs and mws who haven't got children...

Do you know Jo , when I was pg and just after having Lucy my mum asked me after every mw and HV appointment what they had said and whether they had children...

Everyone I know, with only a couple of exceptions, has a completely different parenting style to me. I try to keep my opinions to myself as much as possible.

Jeliwobble wrote:I only offer advice if it's asked for and if I don't know, then I don't say. Parenting, in my opinion, is dictated by the child concerned and what works for my babies is not necessarily going to work for someone else. What gives me the right to think the way I do it is any more 'correct' than anyone else?

I agree with this 100%

This is also why I don't take stock in ANYTHING Gina Ford has to tell me.

I've completely avoided buying books. I had a pregnancy book by Professer Regan that was a DK book and claimed to be all about the medicien but accessible for non doctors. A few chapters in and it was offering somewhat judgemental advice about what surname you and your baby should take. I have the whole internet and my health visitor to find out actualy FACTS about things and all of the stuff that is a decision I'd rather research but basically make by myself. There's plenty of pieces of advice that are in every website/book/leaflet in the world that still were clearly written by someone who hadn't met my daughter.

When it comes to babyhood, I have no opinions on how others parent, even if it is totally different to me. Even when they are older, as long as their child isn't neglected and it doesn't impact on my children, then I don't care how people raise their children. It is none of my business and I am FAR from a perfect parent.

There are issues that I cringe at though with older children. For example, the way they are disciplined - or rather NOT disciplined - affects my children if parents allow their children to snatch or hit, or run riot screaming. I will chunter to myself in this situations and will step in if my children are hurt. I don't speak to the adults though, I'm far too passive aggressive and wil chunter and steam and nurse my ulcers along rather than confront anyone.

You're all far nicer than me! I seem to have this urge to try and stop people from making the same mistakes that I did and to inform them about the things that I'm passionate about. I'm really trying not to do it so much - a few months ago I nearly fell out big time with a friend at work who just would not even entertain the idea of BLW and decided to wean her tiny baby at 4 months on mush. She is now struggling to get her to eat at all and I can't help wondering if that has anything to do with the weaning........ Anyway, she made it very clear to me that she didn't want to know and that made me realise that I was overdoing it.

There's only been one time I've ever interfered with anyone else's children and that was with my godson after he'd just thrown an expensive portable Dvd player on the floor while having a temper tantrum. His mum was dealing with his younger brother (then just a few months old) and wasn't within reach of her eldest to do anything to discipline him (which she would have done) and so I picked up the Dvd player and moved it out of the way, made him sit down in a chair in the corner and be quiet until his mum could come and deal with him. He then came and apologised and said he was sorry for being naughty, I then said I was sorry for having to tell him off.

EDIT: Having said that, I was responsible for the care of my goddaughter from aged two to five-and-a-half when her parents split up and she and her mother moved in with me but we made a decision to split the discipline of her equally as would happen with parents. As she's now a beautiful 17-year-old with a fantastic temperament, I think we did a good job and during the time I looked after her, I only ever had to smack her (ie hitting her gently on the top of the leg) once and because she knew her boundaries, she never pushed it with me again after that.

I doubt the child not feeding is anything to do with early weaning or not BLW. My son was also fed "mush" - or as i call it gourmet puree

My son will eat ANYTHING and has never been a fussy eater. Yet my friend who was so proud to BLW and how quick her daughter picked it up is now struggling...its just the way sometimes...

With food I would never tell a parent especially a friend what is best as to me that is so personal its really none of my beeswax how they feed them...I find BLW's sometimes as scary as the breast is best brigade I'm afraid - way too forceful....

northern soul wrote:With food I would never tell a parent especially a friend what is best as to me that is so personal its really none of my beeswax how they feed them...I find BLW's sometimes as scary as the breast is best brigade I'm afraid - way too forceful....

I didn't tell her it was best. I just wanted her to know about it so that she could make an informed decision. It really annoys me that the 'professionals' don't seem to know anything about what is arguably the biggest revolution in feeding in the last 50 years! She didn't want to know and I couldn't understand that. I'm one of those people who has to research everything and then make a decision as to what to do.

My local clinic is pretty enlightened when it comes to BLW, the Midwives actually run an hours' long course on it with a couple of videos and explanations of how it works. Here in my bit of West Yorkshire they're certainly pushing it as the next stage after breastfeeding.

ETA: Just to say, we're very lucky in my bit of West Yorkshire, Baby Led Weaning is actively encouraged as the next step to take after breastfeeding. Our Midwives run an hour long talk/course complete with videos, on how BLW works and give out information and leaflets, as well as lending out Gail Rapley's book (now it's been published, when I did the talk it was photocopies of her Unicef study).

OMG I'm so sorry! I seem to have edited your post rather than posting a reply..........

Will go and try to fix it now...........

Sorry!!!

I can't get the last paragraph back............ Could you re-add it?

I really shouldn't try to do more than one thing at a time. Can't believe I did that!!! Sorry again.

What I wanted to say was that it is great that your area is doing something so positive. You're the first person I've ever come across who has met a HV who has heard of, let alone knows how it works. Hopefully they'll all be following your area's lead soon.

I didn't think you had said it was best, sorry if it came across like that - maybe she was just sensitive? I know when my son was about 4 months I left BC for a while as I got a bit tired of all the conflicting weaning advice and methods?

My HV also was an advocate of BLW - it might be a Yorkshire thing?

Moomin76 wrote:I can't get the last paragraph back............ Could you re-add it?

I really shouldn't try to do more than one thing at a time. Can't believe I did that!!! Sorry again.

What I wanted to say was that it is great that your area is doing something so positive. You're the first person I've ever come across who has met a HV who has heard of, let alone knows how it works. Hopefully they'll all be following your area's lead soon.

No worries will do.

northern soul wrote:I didn't think you had said it was best, sorry if it came across like that - maybe she was just sensitive? I know when my son was about 4 months I left BC for a while as I got a bit tired of all the conflicting weaning advice and methods?

My HV also was an advocate of BLW - it might be a Yorkshire thing?

Which bit you in? I live in Otley and the clinic's run by the Leeds PCT if I remember rightly. They've been pushing BLW for quite a while over here.

I feel everyone should parent their child how they see best - Its a tricky one but you only get peoples backs up if you tell them to do it another way!!
I do however discuss with my friends what I do and why! (And hope they come round to my way of thinking )

I am in Sheffield....my HV was pants at almost everything except weaning/feeding....think she had just been on a course about BLW..

northern soul wrote:I am in Sheffield....my HV was pants at almost everything except weaning/feeding....think she had just been on a course about BLW..

Hehe, we've got four HVs at the clinic, they're all technically attached to each of the GP surgeries in the town. My HV is lovely but she makes me laugh as she is always telling us to ask baby's permission before doing anything like changing the nappy, doing baby massage etc. Although I have found I now tell James when I'm going to lift his bum up to put his nappy on so she's obviously got through to me!

Of the other three, one is just the kindest, most helpful lady around, one is like an army sergeant major and the other one sort of falls between the other extremes. They're all very good on advocating parent's learn as much as possible about everything that's available to them and they never lecture, which is why I like them all.

Cadiva wrote:My local clinic is pretty enlightened when it comes to BLW, the Midwives actually run an hours' long course on it with a couple of videos and explanations of how it works. Here in my bit of West Yorkshire they're certainly pushing it as the next stage after breastfeeding.

ETA: Just to say, we're very lucky in my bit of West Yorkshire, Baby Led Weaning is actively encouraged as the next step to take after breastfeeding. Our Midwives run an hour long talk/course complete with videos, on how BLW works and give out information and leaflets, as well as lending out Gail Rapley's book (now it's been published, when I did the talk it was photocopies of her WHO study).

Just a little note to those of you who have done BLW or who have any info they can give me: please would you mind posting in my topic here: https://whatsyouropinionon.forumotion.com/parenting-issues-f2/baby-led-weaning-t66.htm when you have a minute?

Thanks muchly